My friend Erin

Anyway, things I learned while Erin was here:
1. I need to go outside more.
2. I need to walk more.
3. I need to get up earlier.
4. I should hang out with Barbara more... before she goes.
5. I learned a lot about Erin. :)
6. Being silent is okay... though sometimes I felt like I was too silent. Anyway.
7. I miss having a roomate.

Friends are wonderful. Especially Danielle. That's all I got to say about that.

what's new...

Well, I've seem to have forgotten about my blog. That partly has to do with that I don't have a lot to say... but really, that's a lie. I just don't know how to say what I want to say. There are so many questions that need to be answered... it's how to answer them is the problem.

The major thing that I'm struggling with is getting a job. I want a job... but I fear the independence. I fear me not being able to support myself. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of getting in a situation that I can't get out of. These are all paralyzing me. I'm not moving or growing. I want to move. I want to grow. I want a job... The question is how do I set aside my anxiety?

In other news... Erin is staying with me this week. I've been the most active this week than I have in along time. It's been good for me. We've walked around greenlake, hung out with some people, watch a few movies, ate with some people, walked around ballard, went to see the tulips, went to bellingham, and went to whidbey island. All have been fun but my most favorite was today, the whidbey island trip. We drove around the island, ate at this cute little farm house place. Drove some more to oak harbor. Then we heading off to deception pass. There we sat looking at this wonderful scenic view for about 3 hours. The sun was out... there was great conversation. Neither one of us wanted to go! But alas, we brought ourselves to leave... and here I am writing about the trip. :)

Well, I'll try to be better at updating this thing. I'm not sure I can promise that, but I'll try. It might take a bit of encouragement. ;)

So I haven't written in this thing for a while. Part of that is I just haven't had much to say... and another part is I wanted to make this blog less dramatic, if you will, and that was not happening. I think have a better understanding now of why my life is the way it is.

I still don't have a job... however, I feel that God has put me in this place so I can learn to live for myself. My whole life I have been living for someone else... whether that be my mother, my sister, some peer at school that I wanted to impress... I have never really been happy with myself or life. Yes, that sounds depressing, but the honest truth... I never been happier in my life than I am right now.

That is not to say I still don't struggle with depression on a day to day basis. I do and it is extremely hard. I have had some of my most darkest moments these past few months, however I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to know what hope feels like. I'm starting to understand what joy is. I do honestly think that God is working in my life to provide this time of "solitude"...

Again, this time period has been the hardest. I still would like very much to get a job... tomorrow. I think I have a better idea of what I want to do. I have this desire to get start... I think I would like to go into research for Autism, or maybe some other medical/psychological condition. This may be sick to some of you, but I've always loved doing research papers in school. I thrived on the knowledge that I had to look for to come up with a 20 or so page paper. I loved looking into medical conditions... it was all so fascinating to me. I'm hoping to now get into a entry level: research/lab assistant position. I've been applying to different hospitals, research institute, and the UW campus. Only a phone screen interview has come up... and I haven't heard back about a follow-up interview.

The problem that I think I'm trying to work through is to not give up on hope. I can't start believe that my hope is invalid... it doesn't mean anything. This is one of the lies satan likes to hit me with... "I'm insignificant". It's not true, so I'm told. However, my goal in all of this is to NOT move back into my parents house. That can not happen. I've come to far for all my mental health to go to waste.

Well, that's my reflection for tonight... more may come, but we will see.

Career Counselor

I'm seeing a career counselor. Since getting a job has not worked out too well... I decided to get a little bit of help. I'm taking a couple test to help me figure out what jobs would go well with my personality. The thing about it is... I pretty much already know. It's just knowing how to sell myself to get hired. That is the task here. Ugh.

Also I'm in a wedding this weekend. I'm way excited. Denise has been a great friend to me and I'm honored to be in her wedding.

Baby's R Us

I had a interview on Wednesday for Baby's R Us. I really want this job, thus I'm very very nervous about hearing the results. I've decided that my goal is to get back into school... grad school, nursing... I don't know yet. I still don't know what I want to do... and part of that is I don't know what I'd be good at. I hear that everyone my age struggles with this... for some reason, I feel like I should be different.

There is one thing I do know... I want to have a family. I want to get married and have kids. Every time someone gets engaged... this longing increases. I know about 15 or so couples that have gotten engaged or getting married this past school year. While I'm really happy for them... I also wish it was me.

Anyway, hopefully the job will turn out tomorrow and my life will seem to be turning around. I'm going crazy thinking about it... I should do something else, or go to bed. ha.

Craziness... the story of my life.

I watched my nephew today for along time. My sister owns a dance company and they have a big performance this weekend. There was rehearsal tonight and she needed someone to watch him while she was running around getting stuff done. Poor guy had his first shots today... he was drugged most of the time I had him... kind of a funny sight actually...

So I have an interview tomorrow that I actually hope goes well. The past interviews have been for jobs that I could have done but didn't really have the passion for it, if you know what I mean. Tomorrow, I'll interview for a Therapeutic Childcare person... in which I would get to work with children who have been abused or neglected that ranging from 10 months to 5 year olds. I really think this would be a great opportunity. They have cool benefits and I'll get to use my degree. I pray that this goes well and I can make a good impression to them.

Random

Today, I got some plants and potted them. This makes me happy.

I've also been working on my baseball collection. I'd like to get rid of the cards that aren't worth anything. I'd rather have the penny, right now, than the card. I do have some that are worth quite a bit though... I'll be hanging on to those for a while. :)

Off to bed... interview tomorrow, and hopefully a couple more this week!